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| So you go be with who you want to be with Right Now
I'll find someone else that I want to be with Forever
But when your Right Now is over
Don't come poking your ass into my Forever | | |
| I don't feel good anymore...it is like a complete 180 degree turn...when I started this year I was confident...felt refreshed...was seeing everything so clearly, I was amazed by it really...felt lucky...had the most positive outlook as anyone had ever had...and now, even though I know to be positive, and feel positive...I still feel bad...my confidence is gone...I'm tired...everything is cloudy, I don't know what to do next...and I don't feel lucky anymore...and I know these things are all mental...you have to believe you are all of these things, and that's how it happens...you feel lucky, believe you are lucky, and all the sudden...you're lucky...know exactly what you want...and the path to get to it becomes so clear that you'd think there was a map burned into your eyes...and confidence is key...you have to have the confidence and belief that all these things are possible, and that you ARE going to accomplish them...it's just my confidence gotten swept out from under my feet 2 weeks ago, and it was like a card house crumbling, the confidence went out, and EVERY other thing began to fall with it...I know I just have to find a way to reset back to the way I was, I'm just not sure how to do it...I am going to go see my dad today, he's kind of like my constant...if anyone is going to help center myself again, I would imagine it will be him...here's to hoping.... | | |
| A little over 7 years ago I met a girl...We dated from Jan-May 02...My best guess as to why I broke up with her back then is that she was taking too much of my time, with constantly being on the phone, I couldn't go do the things I thought I wanted to do, like hang out with my best friend at the time, Jonathan...anyway, I was 14/15 so even though I was dead sure back then, and a few years following, that I was madly in love with this girl, in all honesty that simply wasn't the truth, but there most certainly was an undeniable bond I had with this girl...whether it be because months after breaking up with her, the best friend that I wanted to spend more time with moved away, and at the same time, many aspects of my life weren't really going the way I had hoped...Whatever the reason may be, I spent the following 3 years sitting by myself, talking to very few people, erasing as much of my past as possible...the idea being if it wasn't there anymore, it couldn't hurt me anymore (I hadn't had a perfect life...not nearly as bad as I made it out to be, but certainly not perfect) and she somehow became the thing that took the brunt of the blame for everything that was happening to me (most of the blogs on here from 03-05 are proof of this)...Anyway, I slowly started feeling better, and after 3 years I had progressed enough to have a girlfriend for the first time since leaving the girl from 2002, this was New Years day of 2005, yeah that long...and as it turns out, I wasn't ready, I still had too much of my comfortable recluse in me to want to go out and do anything...that relationship didn't last long...By this time (as horrible as it sounds) I had convinced myself that the girl from 02 was dead, it seemed to be the only way to get her out of my head...One day when hanging out with one of my best friends of all time, Ashley Jordan, we decided that we hadn't seen one of our other friends in too long...that day we drove to Cornileus to see Candace, I remember it vividly because it took forever, because Yahoo maps got us lost...anywho, while hanging out at Liquid Records with her, somehow I ended up with her phone, and came across a picture of the girl of 02 (we'll use her real name now, Hannah)...Well this undid all the work I had done over 3 years in what felt like less than a second...I decided I had to talk to Hannah again...I knew where she lived so I made a envelope with a cd containing "Wherever you will go" by The Calling (our song from 02)...and probably a note, although I couldn't tell you what it said...I dropped it off at her house the morning after prom...Although the packaging of the envelope scared her (anthrax) she still opened it and eventually called me...i don't remember much but I know we eventually hung out...We watched Sin City at my house, I remember going to Best Buy and buying her Krayzie Bone's cd...I remember stoping at a graveyard and her going to one of the stones, I have no idea which one...and I remember the faithful day of the Apple Festival of 2005...We had an error in communication (that's what we'll call it) anyway I went away that day quite angry...for no good reason probably...Hannah and I were finished, I had found the girl that had seemingly caused me all this pain, and it just wasn't going to be...the funny thing is I was ok with it this time, I had tried and failed...Mission over...I moved on, met a girl and almost 3 more years past...things ultimately didn't work out with the girl I met in Oct. 2005..and in June of 08 I found myself back in a position to talk to Hannah again...but I hesitated, not because I was scared of anything I had done...honestly I wanted to make sure that she wasn't just what my brain reverted back to when I found myself alone again...so I didn't nothing with my opportunity to talk to her again...I spent time alone...talked to her once or twice in July/August...and an email or 2 in Sept...then the girl from Oct 2005 come back for 2 months...but whatever was there was gone by then...I can tell you for a fact now that Hannah is not something that my brain reverts to when I'm alone, there is something really special there...that's why I contacted her again...We hang out on Dec. 27th...again in January...we are dating again...I got my girl from 02 back...how many people can say that, the ones that have been in similar situations as I am, how many actually get them back??? Anyway I don't think I believe in fate, I certainly am not comfortable thinking that everything is already planned...I do, however, believe that we make paths as we go along in life...and one of the paths I made while living my life, lead me back to this point, and the same with Hannah...we chose paths that lead back here...One of my paths in the past lead me to her once before, but the purpose of that path was to show me that I wasn't ready yet..so maybe that is where the girl from Oct. 05 came from...I needed to spend the 3 years with her, learn things, feel the pain of her leaving...learn to be less controling, and more accepting...and become the better person that I am today...3 years ago I wasn't even 1/3 of the person I am today...and maybe I needed to become this person so that whatever Hannah and I are going to do, can be accomplished....Anyways the point is...it's a sad story, which now has a fairytale ending, or so it seems at this point, and hopefully it will stay that way...
I do truely love Hannah...
...In your heart and in your mond, I'll stay with you for all of time...
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| Hannah spent Sat and Sun here...I've only slept 1 hour in the last 36...IT WAS AMAZING!! | | |
| Yesterday I realized that I am single, I haven't a clue why it took almost a year for it to set in, much less how it is going to effect the day to day operations at Yosh's Life Inc. I don't know if I will become more proactive or remain in this snug comfort I have found in neutrality. I do know that this is not the point I wanted to make about the fiscal year of Yosh's Life Inc. cleverly titled "21", I just found it odd and noteworthy. Anyway the point is HOLY SHIT has 21 been a fun year for YL Inc! and may I also add not-so-profitable, but hey, you can't win them all can you? In a year that I certainly could have sit around loathing about being abandoned by some woman who said she wanted to be with me forever, only to realize a couple months later that she was wrong about being wrong about not wanting to be with me anymore...what??..point: she regreted leaving...I could have easily fell into a deep dark hole that I am unfortunately quite familiar with, self-loathing because someone else is too blind to see what was in front of them, LUCKILY in a bizzare change of pace, YL Inc. never missed a fucking beat, she left and we quickly gathered all the pieces of what she had left, started putting it back together, as we always do, only to realize that it wasn't what we wanted anymore, we proceeded to throw the peices on the floor and begin building something new, something better. What came of that was something indescribable really, like lightning in a jar, I don't think it could have come about any other way, at any other time, simply it was just FUN. This year age is when I learned that given the opportunity, I am a lot of fun, once I took the block off my shoulder that I'd carried so long I think I walk with a gimp. I know what most people think, I must have gotten really drunk, that's why 21 was so fun, and I would be lying my ass off if I said I didn't drink, because I did, was it an abnormal amount? Negative, probably below average honestly, I did get piss drunk 1 time, but that is it, the rest was just enough to make me much louder than I normally am. So what was so fun? I wish I could tell you a specific answer, but at the same time I'm glad I can't, because as I said ealier it wasn't just one thing that changed this year age, we built something completely new, the aforementioned indescribable thing. I saw AC/DC with my dad, Tom Petty with Kelly, a nascar race with Kelly and A. Killer, TNA Genesis 09 with Jesse, A. Killer, Damien and Lil Shawn and Lewis Black with A. Killer. I also fell madly in love with a girl, she wasn't that into me, so I backed off, of course she then fell madly in love with me, now I am don't know what the hell I want to do. I met Hannah again, and you of all people know that I ALWAYS know what I want to do and that last sentence contained a lie. I was the "Other Man" this year age, do you believe that? I FINALLY got Media Senior, a job I waited on for 4 years, I gave it away 3 months later, and quit Best Buy after being shit out the Media Sup job that I ACTUALLY deserved...Bryan brought me back, as Merch Spec and now I am learning everything I can from him, most helpful so far; How to be an asshole. I'm making great progress. I, of all people, went a Zen as I could be for 2 months during this AGE (I got that one) where I didn't let a single thing bother me, AT ALL. It didn't last forever, and when I come back to being bothered, it was by far fewer things than before, although the transition back may have been kind of bumpy when I tried the median between letting too few things bother me, and too many. Those 2 months were by far some of the most educational 2 months of my life, and I am glad I did it, but that's the point. I am completely happy with my life so far, it may not look like much to some people, but the things I have overcome, and the growth that has taken place is truely UNPRECIDENTED, and I'm not just saying that as the CEO of Yosh's Life Inc. but I should get a fucking medal for turning this train wreck around, although it certainly hasn't been a quick and smooth process over the last 5 years, and I honestly can't take all or even most of the credit, it was the people around me, the Chairmen, Presidents, VPs, all the way down to the line-level employees (I'm obviously refering to people I know/met along the way here). This year age (SHIT!) has been amazing, I don't feel like I made a single misstep, and if I did it was so insignificant that I don't even remember it, and I ALWAYS remember missteps. The point is I am amazed by this age, and the changes that came about, the good times that were had...EVERYTHING, and I wanted to think anyone who has had ANY impact on Yosh's Life Inc. because we really did something special over the last few years....I know none of you will ever read this, but if you do...THANK YOU!
21...the age that the life I had conceded to routine and boredom, became a little less routine and a lot fucking less boring!!
...oh and did I mention...we still have 3 1/2 months to go...what else can be accomplished??
Slipknot on 2/10....what else???
Yosh
Founder and CEO
Yosh's Life Inc.
999 None Of Your Fucking Business Ln
Vale, NC 28168
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